"How can I calm my anger?" This question I am often asked in therapy sessions, especially among people experiencing work-related stress and parents juggling multiple responsibilities. Recently, a personal experience inspired me to share some insights on how to regain control when anger arises.
My Anger Story:
A week ago, I was on a bus traveling from central Portugal to Porto—earbuds in, trying to relax with music on my phone. The girl next to me started filing and clipping her long acrylic nails. Suddenly, a piece of her nail hit me in the chest! Annoyed, I glared at her. She apologised in Portuguese but kept on clipping.
About 20 minutes later, another nail hit me—this time, square on my forehead. I saw red. Without thinking, I snapped, "What the *bleep*," giving her a dirty look I could muster. She apologised profusely and finally stopped.
Understanding Anger:
Anger is a primal response deeply rooted in our brain's oldest structures, unchanged since our cave-dwelling ancestors. It's linked to the brain's reward system, which constantly evaluates whether situations meet our expectations. When they don't, the brain alerts the amygdala, triggering a fight-or-flight response with a surge of adrenaline and cortisol. However, whether we act on this anger depends on the prefrontal cortex, the brain area responsible for decision-making and reasoning. This part of the brain helps us behave in socially acceptable ways, usually keeping our primal instincts under control.
Personal Reflection:
As someone who is usually calm, this incident made me think about why I lost control of my anger. I was tired from not sleeping well due to hot summer nights and menstrual discomfort, which made me more sensitive than usual. These stressors filled my "stress bucket," and the nail incident caused it to overflow!
"Now I understand why this happened," I thought. My prefrontal cortex struggled to keep my anger under control because I was already under too much stress.
Can You Relate?
Perhaps you've experienced similar triggers. Maybe you've had days when you're exhausted because your baby was crying all night, or you couldn't sleep because you were stressed, or you worked late and barely got any rest. Then, on the way to the office, you hit heavy traffic, which makes you late for work and sends your stress levels through the roof. Finally, in the meeting you rushed to, someone interrupts your presentation while you're in the middle of explaining something, and you just lose it!
If any of this sounds familiar, here are five practical tips to help you calm your anger and regain control.
Practical Tips for Anger Management:
Take 5 deep breaths – This will activate your parasympathetic nervous system, helping you move away from the primitive response and putting your prefrontal cortex back in control.
Rationalise the situation – In my situation on the bus, I rationalised by thinking the girl was young and probably unaware of the consequences of clipping her nails in that environment. Forgive her for being human! I'm sure she learned her lesson.
Understand what is happening in your body and learn from the experience – Your body often acts to protect you. Understanding why your stress bucket might be full can help you make lifestyle changes to prevent it from filling up so much in the first place.
Try to see humour in the situation – Finding something to laugh about can diffuse anger and make the situation feel less intense.
Don’t take it personally – Realise that most people’s actions are not meant to hurt you. They are often just thoughtless or unaware, like the girl on the bus.
Considering Hypnotherapy:
In an ideal world, our metaphorical stress buckets would be close to empty all the time, but this just isn’t realistic. There will always be things that cause us stress, gradually filling the bucket and causing us to switch from the logical part of the brain (prefrontal cortex) to the primitive part. However, we are responsible for keeping it as empty as we can by consistently doing things that de-stress us and bring us joy.
If you're struggling to manage anger, reduce stress, and establish positive habits for a calmer life, consider reaching out for a hypnotherapy consultation. Contact me to explore how I can help you.
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